


Leech Boy

by soueikaku



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Gen, graphic depictions of choking, post third impact, shinji just vibing, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 01:56:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21330367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soueikaku/pseuds/soueikaku
Summary: Shinji doesn’t know how to exactly continue. All has come to an end and nothing can be fixed. It’s all pointless.
Kudos: 4





	Leech Boy

All Shinji could think about is what he had seen.

He could still feel his hands around Asuka’s neck, the knuckles cracking as he gripped it tighter than he had ever held something before. He wanted to kill her, strangle her, end her life because of his own issues. To break her enough to where she could shove her stuck up nature straight up her ass and realize how he really felt. 

How even when she was half dead he had straddled her and curled his fingers around her throat, the lightest gasps passing through her lips as if she was somewhat shocked, but unsurprised. How she had somehow expected it, summing it up to Shinji just being himself. The way her bandaged hand drifted across his cheek, her eyes teared up just slightly with pity even though he was the one throttling her. Even at her worst, and him being equally rattled, she felt the slightest bit of remorse for the scum above her torso. 

This was all Shinji’s fault.

If it was anyone’s fault that this all happened, it was his. The reason why the world had reached nothing. The reason, the whole reason that he was left alone with Asuka. The girl who had taunted him for simply existing. He couldn’t blame her though, could anyone, really? He was scum, the truest of scum. Everyone was dead because of him. No one he cared about existed anymore.

He barely saw it at all, too busy curled up inside his mind to realize what was truly happening until it was too late. Too late for him to help in the least, too late for him to even try. 

Who cared? Who cared about him. No one could anymore. He was alone. Truly alone. Except for her. Someone who he didn’t want to be here. Maybe he did. He doubted it. He missed Misato. She was always so supportive of him being something he could never truly fulfill. Her cross necklace suddenly felt heavy in his shirt pocket.

His hands ached. His heart ached. His head ached. Everything ached from pure emotion and true pain. Nothing meant anything anymore, and it hurt. Everything just hurt so damn much. His ears rang and his feet buzzed. They’d fallen asleep. It was a familiar feeling, one that brought some odd sense of comfort. It made him feel ugly and disgusting. Useless, the only thing he truly has been, ever.

Shinji Ikari, the boy who was destined to save Earth, only to cause its end. To bring all of life to its brink. He was the most foul human being to ever be brought into existence. Everyone was dead due to his inaction. 

Except her.

Except her.

Except her.

Accept her.

He needs her. She needs him. They may both deny it, but it is all that is left. Two children damaged beyond repair. Two children left in a world of nothing but them. 

He remembers when he was young that his mother constantly insisted that simply existing is happiness. That he should be thankful for his life.

All he ever did was the opposite, despise himself as a way to cope with his horrible outlook on the boy known as Shinji. No one needed to talk to someone as horrible as him, so he hid away, made sure no one could get close. No one could get hurt.

And look where it got him.

He wishes he had his music. It reminded him of Kaworu, how he had been the only unrelenting source of tranquility for him since his mother had died. And yet, he died too. By Shinji’s own hand, so much worse than his indirect cause of Third Impact on humanity. He remembers watching his head fall into the red waters below, the blood spewing from his neck as it shot out of his body due to the pressure. How he heard the bones shatter and crunch as he held onto his quickly lifeless body without a moment’s hesitation. 

But he had hesitated. He did. For 7 minutes straight he hesitated about killing this angel, this angel that had tricked him into feeling something for once. The one he let get close, and he ended up getting hurt as opposed to the other. It wasn’t his fault that he died, it was Kaworu’s. Nothing was ever Shinji’s fault, it was always someone else’s.

His cold body dripping with blood as he crushed it so easily had scarred him forever. It felt like killing a human, and it still hadn’t truly hit him that he hadn’t been one. That the boy named Kaworu wasn’t the Fifth Children, but instead was Tabris; The17th key to the end of life, the 17th angel. 

It seemed nothing he could care for would ever be within his grasp. 

He remembers the time that Asuka flirted with him while he was trying to study. It made him uncomfortable and she responded with nothing but flustered anger because he was “oblivious”. No, he knew, he just did not care. He had no interest in her, only the times he was bored or just wanted to feel the lips of another, the times he was the most touch starved. Because, even if he didn’t like to admit it, even he felt the crave for affection despite coloring himself in a way that expresses distaste towards it. Maybe he just wanted someone to hold hands with or kiss sometimes. Maybe he just wanted to feel loved.

Even if he masturbated over her comatose body, he just didn’t have some sort of feeling for her. She had been the first pair of breasts he’d ever seen in reality, of course he’d take advantage of that. He had never been taught better, and it wasn’t like he was ready to learn.

He was a coward left in a dead world. The frown on his face felt as if it were permanent, and his overgrown nails dug into the rough of his palms. Nothing could hurt him anymore, no one could, other than himself. And he had always hurt himself the absolute most. 

No, no, it was everybody else’s fault. Nothing could be his fault, of course, because he closed himself off from everyone. If he closed himself off he couldn’t hurt nor get hurt. That’s the hedgehog’s dilemma. To deny intimacy with another person, despite craving it like it was a lifeline. Shinji’s mental state had flatlined, however. 

Nothing could repair this all, nothing. He was left with someone he had never taken fondness to, someone who had never seen his worth and had always called him an idiot. Who called him worthless and a failure, just like his father. Only calling on him when to be used for something beneficial to them. That’s all he could do, be used by others for their own personal gain. His father did it, Misato did it, Kaworu and Asuka were guilty of it too. No one simply just wanted him. They wanted his ability and nothing more.

It made him feel more empty than ever before. His eyes drifted up to the gigantic head splitting in front of him, and they grew cold.

Rei Ayanami, the only person who never used him, who simply was a comrade to his forced escapade. It all made sense once he learned of her make up, but before that he felt interested in her. To discover who she was and how she was so quiet and loyal to his father, despite him being a terrible man. Sadly, she wasn’t just an ordinary girl forced into this like he had been, no, he had been a clone of his own mother.

And now she was dead too, despite having died plenty of times before, she couldn’t come back this time. No one could come back and help Shinji maybe find some sort of hope. Nope. Nothing left except him and a girl. 

His eyes drifted over to his companion, staring at her in distaste. She was wrecked physically, neck having red marks dug into it, a bandaged eye and arm, blood seeping through the bandages of said arm due to her using it to stroke his face when he was throttling her. She looked completely broken, nothing of the Asuka he had known in this short amount of time. Two months, was it? Maybe three, or four. He had lost track long ago, since everything felt like hell. Everything was hell now.

Everything was useless and pointless, just like Shinji had always said. But no one listened to him, so this is what they got. People could have just left him alone, let him live his life in solitary peace, but no one did. They tried to force themselves onto his path, some place they had never belonged. So, they got what they deserved. 

No one could be happy now. There was no one to be happy.

And because of this, Shinji had a sickly smile plastered on his face, before he slowly began to chuckle. The noise sounded rough and crackly, more like a wheeze in all honesty. It was like he hadn’t spoke in months. Like his vocal cords had dried up and cracked like the earth underneath his feet. What was he thinking? Saying all of this wasn’t his fault? He could have never joined with NERV, had went back to his life living quietly with his teacher. But, no, he decided to join back with the Units because everyone called him a coward and a failure for not obeying his father; Even though said father could have cared less. He had the child he always wanted, crafted specifically to his tastes. One who was invincible.

Until now, because his biological child threw a tantrum and gave him the big ol’ fuck you.

Shinji’s “laughs” only increased in volume, his lungs seemingly filled with dust. The noise was revolting, crackling like the static from a television. He slipped into a fetal position and wrapped his arms around his shins, digging his head between his knees as he continued to cackle. Without realizing it, tears had made their way to his eyes, and slipped through with ease. Normally, he was unemotional and unable to cry, but who cared anymore? Not like anyone was here to judge him or watch him with disgust. No one to walk in on him and poke fun. Just him, all alone in the universe.

And the tears ran down his face. Waterfalls of salty fluid pouring down his hot cheeks. 

His hands went to wipe them away, instinctively trying to hide away his emotions so no one could see him as weak. Part of his mind said to hide away, the other saying to just simply revel and sob.

He decided to go with the latter half.


End file.
